I loved him so much. We shared our first sexual experience together.
Then my father’s successful business went bankrupt and our house was foreclosed. We were forced to move.
Brian wrote me a letter when I moved out saying he would always be there for me and for a while he was. We have always seen each other, but on his terms. He started having commitment issues, we both met different people, he went off to college and we both had a few different “loves” since then.
About 10 years ago he contacted me on social media, but the conversation was shorter than I would have liked because I was in a relationship. Fast forward to today. We are both married to different (lovely) people and he lives in a different city.
The idea of cheating on my husband makes me cringe. But Brian played in a band and I would consider going into the room just to “run into” him again.
I think of him everyday! I dream of him at least once a week. It’s always exciting to dream of him, but I’m sad when I wake up. It’s like we find a way to find each other in my dreams.
It’s a constant pain in my soul. Is it too late to reach out and say hello, or should I let it go?
Dreamer: My amateurish view of your lingering dreams is that your subconscious is trying to repair a series of losses in your past life. The failure of your father’s business, the seizure and relocation, and the rejection of “Brian” during a time of instability. These are all early and painful injuries.
Your lingering thoughts and dreams also invite you to explore and examine your current relationship with your “lovely” husband.
I’m not necessarily discouraging you from contacting Brian, as long as you realize that this contact could most likely cause you much more pain – whether from Brian’s lack of interest leading to (another) rejection, or from your obsession leading to the failure of your marriage – or both of your marriages.
Romantic comedies are fantasies. Real life richness comes from understanding and accepting past hurts and losses, owning your regrets and integrating them into your authentic and real lived experience. You are not there yet.
A therapist could help you solve this problem. I strongly recommend it to you.
dear Amy: I am a 33 year old male. I have a child that I am not allowed to see.
My son is 3 years old and his mother does not allow me to see him because she still holds grudges from my past. Now granted, I’m a recovering addict, but she doesn’t see the changes I’ve made in my life.
I believe I can be there as the father of our child. What can I do to show him that I have changed and become a better human being?
Dad: The best way to apply for parenting time is through your local family court.
If you go through the court, you could be ordered to attend parenting classes, take drug tests or undergo therapy before you are allowed to visit. You will have to provide proof to the court that you have complied.
If you are trying to resolve this problem informally, you can follow these same recommendations and submit them to the child’s mother as proof that you deserve a visit.
Maintaining a stable job, contributing financially to the child allowance and working your program are all ways to demonstrate that you are ready for fatherhood.
dear Amy: Answering the question of “feeling helplessthe grandparents who didn’t want to pay for their grandchild’s residential treatment program, I wish you’d told them to shut up and “do it!”
Disappointed: The grandparents had valid questions about mental health treatment and, because they were being asked to pay for it, they seemed to want to control the process. I hope they will choose to help.
©2022 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content Agency